and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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