My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
