This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize