No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
