Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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