can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
