Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
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