My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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