if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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