He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
