Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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