I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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