Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
