Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
