i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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