Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
FUCK WHALES
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
