Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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