This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
