zippers are such a cool invention
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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