I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
