We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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