I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
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