I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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