So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
