Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
