my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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