I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
