my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
