WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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