I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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