saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My pussy is not your playground.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
