If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
