i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
