I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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