3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
