Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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