Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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