The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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