mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
