im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I can text with my tongue
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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