Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
