everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
