Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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