God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
we made out on top of his cat.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My vagina just clenched in fear
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
