ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
