Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
