my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
