I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
