she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize