is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
