What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
please come you make the beer taste better
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
