It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
