im drinking this country out of the recession.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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