I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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