do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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