she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
