yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
